


Please Never Fall in Love Again

by SinnyandAsh



Category: Onward (2020)
Genre: Cheesy, Dissociation, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Guilty Pleasures, Incest, Light Angst, Lightfootcest, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Romance, Secret Crush, Sibling Incest, Year Aged Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:46:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23609521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinnyandAsh/pseuds/SinnyandAsh
Summary: You and me need never be lonely again,Spin with me endlessly or at least until the end,Please never fall in love againOh, please never fall in love-Ian only needed to see Barley nude once to think of his big brother in a whole new way. Now he is all that's on his mind and it destroys Ian from the inside out.
Relationships: Barley Lightfoot/Ian Lightfoot
Comments: 25
Kudos: 76





	1. Smother

**Author's Note:**

> hey, its me, crack reincarnated  
> back again with more ian and barley shit. ive written out the whole rough draft for this story in like one day because i have nothing better in life to do.  
> If you couldn't tell, these chapters are all going to be titled with songs (just like the book)  
> the song for this chapter is Smother by Daughter and it's a sad bop that you should listen to  
> and the title of the book is Please Never Fall in Love Again by Ollie Mn which is also a song i love  
> anyway! hope you enjoy!  
> -Sinny <3

_I'm wasted, losing time, I'm a foolish, fragile spine._  
_I want all that is not mine, I want him but we're not right._

It was just like any other morning in the Lightfoot household, Ian stood against the wall opposite to the bathroom door, towel in one hand and clothes tucked underneath the other. He had only been waiting for a few minutes and he knew that it was Barley in there, his older brother always took quick showers. He didn’t bother knocking, just simply waiting to get the bathroom to himself. 

Only a few moments later and he heard the shower stop and the door open. Ian pushed himself off the wall, ready to greet Barley like he did every morning, but once he saw what was in front of him he couldn’t bring himself to say a word. His older brother stood there in all his _naked_ glory, long dick hanging between his legs and all. 

“Oh!” Ian squeaked, covering his face with his hands. A blush of roses bloomed on his cheeks and the feeling of embarrassment crept up. “Barley! What on earth were you thinking?! Walking out like this?!” Ian was astonished, not just from the fact Barley thought it would be an amazing idea to just walk out naked as can be, but also from the fact that Barley’s member was… _Huge._

“I’m sorry! I thought you and mom would be asleep still!” He tried to explain himself, holding no shame in his voice. “What’s your problem anyway? We’re brothers. It’s not a big deal.” 

“I’m so sorry for not wanting to see my brother's bits first thing in the morning. If anything I’m being polite! Now please leave!” He moved one of his hands to make a ‘shooing’ motion, trying to not let his head spin out of control with the image that was now ingrained into his mind like an iron branding on wood. 

“Alright, I hear you. Don’t get your panties in a twist, I’m going back to my room.” With that, Barley walked away to go back to his personal man cave, leaving Ian alone. 

Once he was sure he was gone, he uncovered his face. Although the situation was done and over with, Ian’s face still felt like the summer sun. He stepped into the bathroom, sighing out a shaky breath in an attempt to relieve the small ache sitting inside of his chest. Ian knew he shouldn’t be so affected by seeing his brother naked but when he closed his eyes for just a second the image of Barley popped up in his head and he wanted to die. 

As soon as that image disappeared, a tightness in his pajama pants occurred and he was officially freaked out. He stared at the growing erection with panicked eyes, shaking his head. “No, no, no, no, no.” He whispered out, pressing down on the front of his pants. “Go down, go down!” He hoped maybe somehow his penis would listen to him, but to no avail it only grew. His head only swam with confusion and anxiety started to hit him like a broken dam. He felt his lungs working harder to breath and he knew he needed to calm himself down. “Okay…” He breathed out, speaking to himself. “You just saw your brother’s… Penis.” He cringed at the word. “And now you’ve got an erection. That’s alright, it’s no big deal. It’s… Natural!” He tried to reassure himself, pulling off his cotton shirt and opening the curtain to the shower to turn the knob. “As long as I don't think about it and take care of myself. It’ll be okay, there’s nothing wrong with this.” Even though on the outside Ian would probably seem insane for talking to himself, hearing his own words out loud managed to calm his nerves.

He pushed his pants off his thin waist, stepping out of them with careful movement before getting into the shower and underneath the warm water. The stream that slid down his bare body was soothing and that pressure on his chest was going away. 

Ian looked down at his erection with nothing but dreadful brown orbs. With a deep, slow breath he wrapped his hand around himself and began to stroke in gentle motions. The feeling was nice and it sent waves of pleasure through his small frame. He closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy the feeling and keeping his mind as blank as it possibly could be. It worked at first, just getting lost into the feeling of his hand gliding up and down his stiff length, but nothing good lasts forever. That same exact, unwanted image appeared in his blank mind and he came to a halt. His eyes fluttered open, feeling slight frustration as he tried to breath deep and clear his mind once again. 

He forced any disturbing thoughts away and when he felt comfortable enough, he started the motions again, shuddering out a small moan. He tried to focus on the way the warm water ran down his body, each droplet adding onto the sensation. But when he kept thinking about it he saw two large hands roaming his skin and yet again he came to a stop. “Y-you’ve gotta be kidding me.” He whimpered, looking down at his erection with a sense of sadness. “You gotta go.” At this point he was starting not to care, just wanting to get on with his shower. He let his eyes fall shut again and for the third time he tried his luck. 

Luck sadly wasn’t on his side because Barley kept showing up in his thoughts. He thought of him kissing his lips, neck and chest, thought of him grabbing and squeezing at his thighs till it left bruises and Ian just let it happen. He breathed shallowly, placing his forearm against the wall to support himself as the pleasure overtook him and he wasn’t having any sense of worry or panic anymore. He imagined one of those large hands replacing his own and with that thought his body tensed up and the tip of his member pathetically sputtered out his semen. 

Ian let out small pants, the orgasm causing a serene fog to settle over his mind and for a few moments he felt pure bliss. Until reality set in and he realized what he came too. He pushed his now jelly feeling body off the shower’s wall, looking down at his hand in utter disgust. He was so grossed out with himself he couldn’t even finish his shower, slovenly turning the water off and getting out in a rush. 

He felt sick to his stomach and he didn’t know if he wanted to puke or cry. He grabbed the towel and as fast as he could, rubbed it against his damp curls, throwing it to the ground and putting on a fresh pair of clothes. 

With a face of dismay, Ian left the bathroom with the urgency of needing to get out of the house. He walked down the hall only to run into his mother, who,(just like always) immediately sensed there was something off with him. 

“Honey, you alright? You look like ya saw a ghost!” Her tone was laced with concern and Ian would’ve found it sweet if he wasn’t going through his own inner war. 

He took a moment to respond, looking at the worn, brown floorboards and nodding his head. “Yeah mom, I’m fine. Just staying up too late is all.” Ian didn’t want to continue on with anymore conversation, walking past her and rushing up the stairwell to finish getting ready for his school day. He felt like he was never going to be the same again.

_In the darkness I will meet my creators,_  
_And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator_


	2. Do I Wanna Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian struggles with his newfound feelings, spending weeks by himself and his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayee!  
> i have some angst to deal to you ;) it's something i have a really hard time writing so it's more than likely... not the most amazing. im proud of it though! its been a long time since ive really written anything a little sad.   
> enjoy!  
> -sinny <3  
> OH ALSO! the song for this chapter is Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys, a band ive been listening to since i was thirteen! you should listen to them, aesthetic ass music

_ I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week  
How many secrets can you keep?  
'Cause there's this tune I found  
That makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat  
Until I fall asleep, spillin' drinks on my settee _

Ian Lightfoot wasn’t okay.

Everyone knew too, it was more than obvious when he stopped riding with his big brother to and from school, always making sure to leave long before he woke up and rushed to the bus as early as he could. He started only eating his meals in his room and whenever anyone tried to start a conversation he would brush it off and give only small responses. Especially when Barley tried to speak with him, Ian couldn’t even look at him without feeling an immense sense of guilt.

He trudged down the stairs with dread hanging over his head like a dark cloud. Just like routine, Ian made his plate of food, said thank you to his mother and left. He didn’t even spare Barley a glance, walking back up the stairs and leaving his family alone in the dining room. 

That night, Ian heard a loud sigh come from his brother and he stopped midway up the steps. 

“I don’t understand mom,” Barley said, his voice in distress. “I didn’t do anything to him, we haven’t even fought recently. I really don’t get why on earth he’s acting like this.”

“He’s seventeen Barley, maybe he’s just going through changes right now.” Laurel let out a soft sigh. “I just hope he’s okay, it's like he wants nothing to do with us. I miss seeing his face every night.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

Ian’s heart ached, Barley’s words sticking to his mind like glue while he resumed walking up the stairs and shutting himself in his room once again. He haphazardly set the plate down on his desk and went straight to his bed, letting his body fall onto the comfortable mattress. He felt horrible for hurting his brother and mom like that, but his monstrous mind had been too much for him.

All he wanted to do was lay in his bed and think about his brother. He knew it was fucked up to do, but his mind wouldn’t stop running over every single possible scenario that could happen between them. That’s what it was like every single day. Full of sorrowful daydreams and cold, non-comforting tears until he fell asleep where only then he would remain unfeeling. 

Ian continued his daily regimen of rotting away in his room for a good few weeks, jerking off alone in his bedroom, sobbing about his brother issues and going to school without saying a word to anyone. The blue elf knew he was alive, he knew blood ran through his vein and his limbs worked just fine. But he didn’t feel like it. He felt like a husk of a boy, after so much crying over Barley there was only two feelings left. Despair and unadulterated love. He was all that was on his mind no matter what, when he’s doing mundane tasks, when sitting in his classroom and especially when he was alone. 

Ian was always alone. Every single day and everything became one big blur as life passed by around him.

There was nothing he was dreading more than spring break, he knew the only place he was going to be was in his room. As soon it came and the school day ended, Ian stepped off the bus. He adjusted the bag that hung loosely on his shoulder and took a long, deep breath. Once he mustered as much courage as he could, he went into his home only to see his brother standing over the counter, a cookbook in his hands. 

When Barley looked up at him and their eyes met Ian could swear his soul left his body. His brother’s lips pulled up into a bright smile, more than happy to see Ian and that left him with a sense of sadness. 

“Sir Ian! What an honor to be graced by thy presence!” He closed the book to give a small, chivalrous bow. Ian couldn’t stop the small grin that graced his face. 

“Glad you think so.” He said in a meek tone, the guilt that loomed over him was quick to become unbearable. With a small nod of acknowledgement, he began to walk past his brother and towards the stairs.

“Hey… Ian.” He heard his brother’s voice come from behind him, laced with concern. He debated whether he should just ignore him and leave, but nonetheless he stopped, turning towards his brother with curious eyes. “You know... You’re not alone, right? Whatever you’re going through, I’m here for you. No matter what it is.” 

Ian’s chest constricted and in seconds there were tears that welled up in his big brown eyes. He gripped at the strap of his book bag, having to take a moment before replying. “Yeah… Thanks Barley.” He felt grief-stricken, like he had lost someone close to him. He wiped away a fallen tear and ascended up the stairs. 

“I hate myself.” He whispered out with a tremulous breath, feet dragging against the ground as he made his way into his room. He closed and locked it behind him and just like everyday he let his heavy-like-lead body fall onto the bed. A whimper left his soft lips, curling up on the mattress and letting his eyes close shut. 

Ian didn’t recall falling asleep, but when his lids slid open the only thing that illuminated the room was the light of two moons. He sat up, rubbing at his blearily eyes and looking around the room. His gaze fell onto the door, looking down to notice a slip of paper sitting upon the floor. He squinted at the paper, head tilting to the side. “Huh?” Gracelessly, he got out of his small bed to inspect the note, flipping the switch near the door to turn on the light. He picked up the paper with a confused expression and turned it around in his hands. It was a letter. Seeing the sloppy writing, he immediately knew it was from Barley. With furrowed brows, he read the words.

_ ‘Hey little bro, you’ve had me really worried recently. T he way you have been acting is really out of character for you and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around what could possibly be wrong. I love you Ian, so much. And so does mom. You are the strongest person I know, and I know you can pull through. I’m proud of you bud, and I hope you come to me one day to talk about what’s going on. -Barley’ _

For the umpteenth time, his vision was blurred by tears. It felt like a cold, unloving fist squeezed at his heart. His fingers held the paper tightly, bringing it up to his chest and imaging he was holding his big, strong brother he loved oh so much. It was such a shame, hopelessly in love with someone who could never return the feelings. 

_Do I wanna know?  
If this feelin' flows both ways?  
Sad to see you go, was sorta hopin' that you'd stay  
Baby, we both know. That the nights were mainly made  
For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha h a h a h a another short ass chapter  
> poor baby boy ian  
> next chapter will be ten times more fluffier and im really excited to write it honestly. the only thing that sucks about doing this lil mini series is that my book has not been getting any love, poor thing  
> anyway!!!! i really hope you liked it and thank you so much for reading!


	3. Kiss Me - He's All That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barley seeks Ian's attention after getting hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wipes tears away w/ hamsters* I PRESENT TO YOU,,   
> gay ass shit  
> uh,,, i was so excited to write this chapter? i mean-- im a sucker for fluff ok?? anyhow i hope you enjoy it as much as i liked writing it  
> oh n also song it Kiss Me - She's All That by Sixpence None The Richer  
> -sinny <3

_ Kiss me out of the bearded barley  
Nightly, beside the green, green grass  
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step  
You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress _

Ian sat at his desk with a concentrated expression sitting upon his freckled face. The Quest of Yore sat open on the wooden surface; he decided since he wasn’t doing any more magic lessons with his brother he would do some studying himself. He found the more he read the more he lost touch with reality, forgetting about all of his problems as each word floated around his head.

Though there were always times where his mind stopped processing the words and **he** popped up in his mind. He couldn’t deny that he missed his big brother more than anything, he always knew how to have fun and never failed to put a smile on his face no matter how he was feeling at the moment. Whenever he thought about him, it left him wondering if the elder elf missed him as much as he did, even if he didn’t love him, he still had to at least feel like there was a part of him missing.

At least Ian hoped he did. Even if it was selfish thing to want, he was just so sick of being hopelessly in love. He always thought he never would fall for anyone, especially as the years passed by and he never had a single crush, and the thing was Ian was completely fine with that. He didn’t mind it at all. But Barley’s giant penis had to ruin it all for him. It was crazy to him, how seeing someone naked once could completely alter the way you see them. 

It was safe to say he hated it. Because Barley wasn’t a roommate, or a friend from school. Barley was his brother, and that made Ian feel like the sickest elf in the whole world. There was nothing he wanted more than to not feel disgusted with himself, and for Barley to get out of his damn mind for just a few hours. It made him hurt so much and the more he hurt the more tired he became of everything. Tired of living in such a sad isolation all because he was a piece of _shit_.

Ian gasped out and brought a shaky hand up to his unruly curls, running his fingers through the locks as he tried to get himself out of his self hatred tornado. He knew he needed to stop or else he wasn't going to be able to focus on studying anymore. _‘It’s okay.’_ He thought to himself, repeating it inside his head like a mantra until he began to come down from the high emotions. He let out a sigh in relief once he felt good enough to continue reading, thankful he didn’t go spiraling into an episode once again. 

Just as he picked the book back up to resume his readings, the sound of a gentle knock interrupted him. Ian froze, eyes widening as brown orbs darted towards the door. He noticed the shadow casting onto the floor from underneath was large, telling him it was Barley. _‘What? Can he hear my thoughts now?’_ He shook his head and looked back down at his book, his brother knew very well he wasn’t going to answer nor open the door. It was for both of their own good.

“Ian?” He didn’t respond, only blankly staring at the words on the page as he waited for the man to leave. “Ian please.” The young elf was put off by the sound of his voice, picking up on the broken and melancholy tone, something that was very uncharacteristic of his brother. “I… I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

Ian sat at his desk with a sense of remorse for the other, his heart ached for him and he really had to think it over. Barley was _always_ there for him when Ian really needed him, he knew he would be _even more_ of a bad brother if he just ignored him when he’s in genuine need. The young elf let a deep sigh escape from his lips once he came to a decision, setting down his book and standing up from his desk. There was a voice in his head screaming at him not to open that door, telling him he was ruining the whole point of holding himself up in his room for so long and Ian wanted to listen to them. 

But despite the nagging voices, he pushed onward and went to the door. With the sound of his heart pounding loud in his ears he grabbed the door handle and pulled it open to reveal a heart broken Barley. Tears were welled up in his eyes and he had the expression of a despair written on his ruggedly handsome face.

“B-Barley?” He questioned wearily with wide eyes. “What happened?”

The man didn’t say a word, instead closing the gap between them and wrapping his large arms around Ian. The young elf squeaked in surprise, but he easily got lost in the warmth and he couldn’t help but to wrap his arms around his wide torso in return. After a few moments of what felt like almost torture from being so close to his big brother, Barley whispered out to him in such a sorrowful voice.

“Please… Go on a ride with me.” Ian’s breath hitched at his words, feeling hesitance as he pulled back a little to look up at him, only to see sad golden puppy eyes. As soon as he met that pleading gaze, he just had to agree.

Barley got him stuck in a trap, something Ian tried so hard not to let him do. 

Just like he promised, he followed his big brother down the stairs and out of the house, wordlessly getting into Guinevere the Second and leaving their house. There was a tense silence between the two brothers, it made Ian’s chest feel so heavy he had to roll the window of the van down to breath in the fresh spring air. 

Ian’s eyes stayed looking out into the night sky, the moons were especially bright and the sight was nothing but serene. Something his big brother wasn’t feeling at the moment. His brows furrowed, looking back at the man who had a sad expression set deep on his face. Something Ian wasn’t used to seeing, it left him wondering what could possibly happen to him. 

The young elf could do nothing but continue to ponder over the possible situations that could have happened to Barley as the man drove up a winding road lined by pine trees, cruising up to the top of one of the many mountains surrounding New Mushroomton. He slowed the van down and Ian sat up in interest, unbuckling his seat belt as Barley parked near a clearing. It was small yet pleasing to look at, the green lush glass illuminated in the moonlights and tree branches full of new born leaves hung directly over the van.

Barley’s hand fumbled with the radio, catching Ian’s attention. His gaze went right to the man, expression the same as before. His brother managed to turn the radio onto a random station through the dark, turning it up and rolling down the windows. He looked over at Ian, offering a small, sad smile. 

“Go ahead and sit up on the hood. I’m gonna grab my cooler from the back.” He said while turning off the headlights. Ian nodded his head and exited Guinevere the Second, doing just as he was told and hiking himself up onto the front of the van.

He was easily entranced by the memorizing view. A smile pushed up on his lips as he looked past the mountain to see his own town, it made the world feel so small, and for Ian, that was a good thing. He breathed in the crisp air, feeling so rejuvenated after not being outdoors for so long.

He heard the van’s door shut and looked back to see the burly man holding a small blue cooler in one hand and a bottle of beer in his other. He sat up on the hood of his van next to Ian, setting the cooler in between them and opening his bottle with his teeth. Ian watched as he tilted his head back and brought the beer up to his lips, guzzling it down like no tomorrow. He seemed truly lost and Ian had the need to make him feel better. 

“Do… You wanna talk about it Barley?” He asked, tilting his head. 

Barley shrugged his broad shoulders once he finished off the entire bottle of beer in one go. As soon as every last drop was gone, he threw it hard over the ledge of the mountain, a faint crash of glass echoing in the distance. “I mean, I guess.” He opened the cooler just to take out another beer, this time it was a can and Ian couldn’t help but wonder how many different types of alcohol he kept in there. 

His elder brother let out a deep sigh, somber eyes staring down at the can. “There was, uh, this girl I was talking to for a while. She was alright, pretty nice actually, and I was kind of excited to start a relationship with her but…” His lips pulled down into a deep frown, hazel eyes narrowing. “But she ended up going out with one of my best buds and it kinda... Really, really stung.” Ian felt nothing but sympathy towards him, keeping his eyes trained on him as he looked up into the starry night sky. “And not only that," He let out a soft, bitter chuckle. "my friends haven't been hanging out with me like they used too and to top it all off? My brother acts like I don’t even exist.” As soon as Barley said that the guilt train ran over Ian as fast as lightning, his heart shattering into millions of pieces. 

Barley looked up at Ian with pure desperation in his eyes. “Please.. Tell me Ian, what did I do to deserve this? What did mom do? Why aren’t you talking to either of us?” Ian felt anxiety build up as the other hurdled questions at him. He opened and closed his mouth, feeling at loss for words.

“I- no-nothing Barley, it’s just…” He trailed off, looking down at his hands in shame.

“Just what Ian?” There was nothing but horribly suffocating silence between them and Barley scoffed when he received no answer. “Yeah. I thought so. What? Are you doing this just to torture me?” He asked, followed by an almost bitter laugh as he took a big swig of his beer. “Do you think I like being ignored by my baby brother? Because I sure don’t. In fact, it’s probably one of the worst, most crushing experiences I’ve gone through.” He pushed himself off the van, walking closer to the ledge of the mountain. “It’s worse than some girl dumping me over my friends, worse than any break up actually.” 

Ian was quickly becoming overwhelmed as Barley spoke, each word feeling like a sickening punch in the gut. It gave him the need to try and make it up to his big brother. He got off the hood of the van to walk up behind the taller elf, speaking out in a gentle voice. “Barley, I… I’m so sorry about all of this, I really didn’t know I would hurt you this much.” He moved his arm to place his hand on his brothers back but Barley turned around harsh, stepping forward to tower over his little brow, anger now written all over his face.

“How could you not know Ian?” He asked in an exasperated tone, eyes piercing through him. The young elf began to feel a little panicked, staring up at him with pleading eyes. “There’s no way you couldn’t have. You've ignored me for _weeks_.” 

Ian’s vision began to blur and he shook his head, feeling the need to defend himself. “I was just doing what was best for you!” 

“Best for me?!” Barley was starting to raise his voice and Ian’s small frame started shaking like a leaf. “God Ian, you better have a damn good reason as to why it’s not best for me.” 

Ian flinched, closing his eyes tight as he tried to collect his scattered thoughts. “Barley…” He whimpered out, wanting him to understand so desperately. “I-I can’t tell you why, and I’m so sorry, but I just _can’t_.”

“Why can’t you Ian? Huh? It’s really that big of a reason you had to put me through all of this?”

Ian was starting to feel cornered and he let his emotions consume him like rapid hellfire. “Yes Barley!” He shouted out in a crushed tone, looking up at Barley to see a surprised expression sit on his face. He didn't want to do this anymore, but it was just something Ian had to do. He could never tell a soul. “Yes! I really, _really_ can’t tell you. If I did…” The dam in his eyes finally broke and tears sprung free and streamed down his cheek like waterfalls. “If I did you would never look at me the same again. It is the most disgusting and disturbing reason and I know if I ever say anything everyone will see me as a monster!” His chest was now rapidly rising up and down due to air being forced out of his lungs, he felt like he was on the verge of dying, like there were walls closing in on him and he didn’t know how to escape. “I just can’t! I can’t, I can’t!” Ian quickly went into full on hysteria, wailing out as his body fell into Barley’s, fingers grasping onto his shirt for dear life. “Please Barley, please!” He panted out broken sobs, finding comfort in the arms that wrapped around him, the sound of a beer can hitting the ground behind him.

. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright, calm down.” Luckily, Barley had enough sympathy to stop pressuring his younger brother, rocking their bodies from side to side. A large hand found its way up to Ian’s head, running thick fingers over blue curls. Ian found it was much more soothing compared to when he did it to himself. “I’m sorry bud, I know I was pressing you. But I’m down now, okay? I would never be disgusted with you. Ever. You’re my little brother Ian.”

Ian looked up at Barley with a dejected gaze, shaking his head, what was supposed to be comforting words only worsened Ian's state. He pressed his trembling hands on his large chest and pushed him away, taking a step back. He felt _so_ worn out and _so_ tired of constantly fighting his feelings away. He hated it, every single damn second. “That’s the problem Barley…" He stuttered while sniffling. "Y-you’re my brother, and that’s exactly why I have to keep my mouth shut!” He didn’t want to battle this fight anymore, he just wanted to give in, let out the things he’s bottled in for months. “Weeks Barley!” He sobbed out, hands balling into fists and nails digging into the palm of his skin. “Weeks of me suffering inside of my room because I discovered I’m this monstrous being.” He didn’t bother wiping away his tears or calming himself down, he just wanted everything to stop. But there was no way that could ever happen. “I-I’ve been hurting really bad, like all the time. And-and I want to tell s-some, I really do. But I can’t, I genuinely can’t.”

“Ian you can.” Barley said with a face of determination, the anger that was once on his face was now replaced with concern. “We are family, and I can guarantee you nothing could ever make me hate you or see you in any different way. I _love_ you, and nothing can ever change that.”

Barley’s words got stuck in his head and he was worn down to the bone. He just knew he couldn’t do it anymore, he didn't want to keep holding in such a heavy burden. He was tired, not knowing how much more he could take before he did something drastic. The only thing he could do now, was trust his brother would keep his word. “That’s the p-problem Barley,” He whimpered out between shaky breaths. “I-I love you, and you love me. But… You don’t love me the way I want you too.” 

Only for a short few moments, there was nothing but the sound of Ian’s sad whimpers and sobs, looking up at Barley to see shock written all over his face.

“Ian... ? What are you saying?”

“You know what I’m saying.” He cried, staring at him with tired, sad eyes. “I-I.. Do you remember the day I saw you naked..?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Well, that same day… I-I touched myself to-” He couldn’t even finish the sentence, feeling a sense of nausea wave over him. “Oh my god B-Barley, I don't know how to say it other than just saying I **_love_** you. I’m in so in love with you and I know it’s messed up, but I-I can’t help it.” Adrenaline rushed through his body as he spoke out in broken words, shoulders violently shaking as sobs racked his small body. “Please, I just don’t want you to hate me Barley! I-I-I can’t afford to lose you.”

“Ian…" Barley's eyes lit up at his words and a small smile found it's way on his face. Something Ian was not expecting. "I... I don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to tell me those words.” He heard Barley laugh breathlessly and Ian’s eyes widened. “I almost can’t believe it, I’ve always wanted you, for a long, long time.”

Ian was nothing other than astonished at his confession, staring at Barley with bewildered brown orbs. Beginning to come down from his panic attack, he swallowed thick. “W-what?” He managed to squeak out, wiping away the tears on his freckled cheeks. He felt his face begin to warm and he almost questioned if he was dreaming or not. “Wh-what about all the g-girls you dated? You w-were just s-sad about one of them…”

“I always wanted to just try and forget about you… I’ve grown feelings for some of them, like that girl I was talking about earlier, she really gave me hope that I could finally get over you. But no matter what, I have never fallen for someone like I have fallen for you.” Barley smiled sadly, wiping away an escaping tear from his soulful eyes. Although he was relieved by the confession, Ian felt the same guilt he always felt.

“A-all this time.” Ian didn’t know how he truly felt about his confession, he was happy, yeah, but he just spent a good few weeks sitting on his bed and crying his eyes out. He wasted so much of his time. “I could’ve just gone to y-y-you.” Panic rose again and he brought his hands up to his head, gripping at his hair. “Everything would’ve been fine if I did." Oh god, it could have all been avoided, and the thought did not settle well with Ian. "I-I messed up, I messed up r-really, really bad. Oh god.”

“Hey! No.” Barley rushed to Ian to place his hands on his wet cheeks, giving a sympathetic look towards the young elf. He found himself instantly leaning into the soft touch, smaller hands falling on top of much bigger ones. "You didn’t mess up Ian. You were confused, and scared, and alone. That’s a really scary thing to realize. I mean, we are brothers after all. And even if so, I don’t think that makes you fucked up, not one bit. Fate just had some strange plans for you.” 

Ian found himself a little bit at ease from his brother's words, closing his eyes tight and focusing on taking deep, slow breaths, hiccuping in between each one. He continued till his lungs didn’t feel like they were on fire and his vision was finally clear. It was so relieving for him to know Barley felt the same way... But that didn’t mean his older brother would want to do anything about it, right?

“W-what about us now though?” He asked, opening his eyes to stare down at the grassy ground. “I-I still feel like I ruined us. I-I-”

“Ian…” He cooed, removing a hand from his cheek to place a finger underneath his chin and force him to look up. “I’ll show you what it means for us.” With a tender gaze, Barley closed in on Ian, pressing his lips against his to capture him in a warm kiss. 

Ian’s eyes went wide from the sudden move, but before he knew it he was overwhelmed with a rush of euphoria and his lids slid shut. He felt all his worries melt away in seconds, arms wrapping around a strong neck in an attempt to get him closer. He found that Barley’s lips were a rough texture and Ian could smell the beer lingering on his breath, finding it to be nothing but intoxicating. 

The kiss was sweet but defiantly not long enough for Ian and when the pair parted his head spun, caught in a whirlwind of emotion. “Wow…” He breathed out, opening his eyes to stare up into Barley’s eyes, lips pulling up into a smile. “That was… better than what I imagined it would be like.” He admitted, freckled cheeks flushing red. He never thought his first kiss would be under the stars... Or to share it with his brother.

“No need to flatter me. It was just a little kiss.” Barley chuckled, leaning in to press another short kiss against his lips which was just as good as the first. “Did that answer your questions though?” He questioned in a soft voice, breath brushing up against Ian’s lips.

“Uh, y-yes… I mean- kinda. Does this mean that you…” He felt his face get hotter and he knew he would explode if he didn't advert his gaze “Want to.. Be with me?”

The elder elf gave the other a big, broad smile. “If you’ll have me, then yes.” 

Ian’s eyes filled up with tears, and for the first time in a long while they weren’t from feeling so lost and sad, instead he cried from pure joy. He quickly nodded his head and nuzzled into the man’s chest, smiling from ear to ear. 

Barley held onto Ian tight in return, swaying their bodies back and forth and Ian felt truly safe. He was more than thankful he convinced himself to go on a drive with Barley, otherwise he feared their relationship would never have been mended. 

As they stood there in each other’s arms, a new song came on the radio. A, sweet slow song. The change in tune caused Barley pull away from Ian to take a step back, with that sweet smile Ian had missed so much, Barley took a bow before holding his hand out. “May I have this dance with you, sir Iandore?” 

Ian blushed from the use of his full name. His heart skipped a beat, debating whether he should turn the man down or not. In the end, he knew it would be cruel to say no. He returned the smile and gently placed his hand on top of Barley’s. 

“You may.” 

Before he knew it, Barley held onto his hand and pulled his body towards him, chests pressing up against each other. A strong hand sat on Ian’s waist and their fingers intertwined, eyes gazing into each other with nothing other than passion and fiery love.

They danced underneath the twinkling stars and Ian finally felt content for the first time in awhile.

_ Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight  
Lead me out on the moonlit floor  
Lift your open hand  
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance  
_ _Silvermoon's sparkling_   
_So kiss me_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the beginning i wrote this when i was pretty tipsy and i actually thought i could do something serious when drinking.   
> there was a l o t of editing to do lol, i should have been in bed long ago... so sorry if the first half is choppy. either way i had sooo much fun writing this it was a good de-stressing activity from having an off beat day  
> and btw, next chapter is gunna b s u p e r raunchy, lil segway into that sweet sweet smut  
> have a nice day ;)


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